Pathetic Much?
by truelove08
Summary: Xander attempts to write a fanfic. Oneshot. *NOTES* 'Cars and Bars' is entirely fictional. Originally published 10/12/2004 on Slayerfanfic.


**Pathetic Much?**

Xander sat watching the television, in a state of brain-dead bliss. His favourite show had just finished, 'Cars and Bars', and as he watched the credits, his mind began to wander.

'Cars and Bars' was a long running series that focused on the perilous lives of four teenagers and their endless and thankless struggle of Growing Up. It started off, as many of these dramas do, in High School, and had evolved into a College, where half the characters studied and partied their fictional lives away, whilst the other half struggled to make ends meet in the cruel workplaces of the Real World. The characters consisted of two young men and two young women; they would occasionally flirt with each other but to date, all had separate love interests. As the title suggested, the characters had numerous experiences with fast cars, and therefore sex, and alcohol in sleazy bars. The show's network made sue the 'Cars and Bars' never glorified sex and alcohol, the current message always being that sex and drink was more trouble than it was worth around 106 per cent of the time.

Xander could never understand why he liked such a program, but he had caught on to it from the very first episode, and it had grown on him ever since. It quickly had become a source of regular escapism from the reality of Slaying and general life in Sunnydale. Occasionally, he would feel a twinge of shame whenever he'd hear Buffy or Willow denounce the show as 'stupid blah', or 'the stuff thirteen year old girls' dreams are made of'. But then he'd see the official magazine complete with official star interviews revealing the official truth behind the show., and he'd become so excited that all doubts about his taste in TV would drop, and the magazine would be swept from the shelves.

Xander had never managed to go to one of the conventions. But he often dreamed of meeting one of the primary characters, shaking their hand, asking for an autographed photo, and discussing why Steve and Libby never got it together, or what explained the blatant continuity error in episode 3x05. It also annoyed him to see sex and drink portrayed as harmful in the show. 'The Scooby Gang never faced those problems', he always thought.

The episode that Xander had just watched had been written by a new guy, Drew Copper, Copp, or Coop...something like that. And it had left Xander feeling unsatisfied as to the direction that the series was taking. 'If I was a writer', he thought, as the commercials rolled before him, one of 'Cars and Bars' stars waving a candy bar at him, 'I would do a far better job of writing the characters and their storylines.' . That was when Xander had one of those ideas that only come twice a year for his lowly self. He was going to write a fanfiction.

Getting a blank sheet of paper, Xander sat at the table, picked up a pen, and began to write.

'Steve sat at the bar' he wrote. 'He drank some beer, which tasted very good'. Xander chewed his pen thoughtfully. 'The beer makes him not drunk at all. Only a little bit. Because no drunkeness equals bad beer.'

Then something terrible happened. It was unimaginable, unspeakable, atrocious, and a near natural disaster.

Xander had writers' block.

He thought and pondered and racked his brains, but couldn't come up with an interesting enough story that hadn't already been covered by the show's real writers. And then another idea hit him. He began to write feverishly.

'Steve sat all alone, until Libby came into the room, and spontaneously kissed him'. Xander was pleased that he had written such a huge word; it looked like Willow's English lessons were finally beginning to pay off. He was also excited with the prospect of making his favourite characters do whatever he wanted, the things he daydreamed of happening but never seen actualised on the screen.

'Libby invited Steve to her dorm room. At first, he said no, he wanted to remain friends, but she looked so hot in her halter top, and tiny skirt that he couldn't refuse'He continued. 'In the room, things got heated, and Steve tore at -'

For the next two pages, Xander delighted in describing in minute detail what Steve and Libby got up to in the bedroom. Excitedly, he penned the surprise appearance of their friend, Samantha, and her subsequent kinky adventures with Steve and Libby. There was no doubt that Xander was titillated by imagining this encounter.

Then he encountered another problem. He didn't know how to end it. Deciding that he never liked Steve that much anyway, the two girls plotted and murdered Steve. Then they run off to start a sexually healthy life together. On the beach. Starting their own spin-off, 'Bras and Bars'.

Xander had just started writing his serialized fiction when the telephone rang. He picked up. It was Willow.

'Hey Xand, so whatcha doin'? '

'Nothing' he replied evasively.

'C'mon, I know you're lying...tell me.'

He knew better than to lie to Willow.

'Oh, just writing something. A story, actually. I think its pretty good.'

He could hear her amused sigh on the other end of the line.

'Xander, you're writing fanfiction again, aren't you? What's it this time? I thought you'd exhausted all possible Leia/Han Solo scenarios.'

'Cars and Bars'.

She laughed. 'Xander, you haven't written an erotic slash shipper fic, by any chance?'

'Huh?' said Xander. I wrote porn. All those terms sound really over -complicated for such simple writing. Porn.'

'Xander Xander Xander', teased Willow. 'Always the triple X for you. And about so over-rated a show, too! Pathetic much?'

'Yeah, I know', smiled Xander. 'But that's me.'

After the conversation, Xander put his fic away where he might rediscover it the following week and become reacquainted with its absorbing plotlines.


End file.
